You can't special order awesome
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
