I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
