Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
