How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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