Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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