I wish I only lived at night.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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