Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he was CRYING into my vagina
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
