I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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