My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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