All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
