Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
