I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize