Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
