the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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