Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We're too hungover to prance.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
