I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
