I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
