hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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