she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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