How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
