Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
