Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
