Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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