Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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