I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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