i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
