theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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