I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
