if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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