We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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