That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
