This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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