Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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