She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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