I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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