dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
