update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
