I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
