dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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