ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
