I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
