So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
