I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
