I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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