It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
