hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize