hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize