too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
