we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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