I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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