I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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