apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
