This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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