I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize