Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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