i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
