New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I love having hate sex.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
