He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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