I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
