just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
