I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
