My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
