I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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