my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
