Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
